Saturday, August 18, 2007

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I have a lot of fears.

It was easier when I thought I knew what I wanted to do "when I grew up." It seemed so simple and perfect to move to New York and pursue a career in editing. I had my plans boxed up in this neat little package with perfect edges and a secure latch.

But then it all blew to hell.

Those crisp edges started disintegrating; the latch kept flopping open and my neat little future leaked onto the floor in a muddled mess of confusion.

A friend of mine once said he was impressed with how pulled together I was. He'd be so disappointed if he could see the way I'm falling apart now.

The biggest challenge, I think, is figuring out what I'm most afraid of.
Is it being away from everyone and everything that I know and love?
Is it having a job that bores me and that I only tolerate in hopes of rising in the ranks over the years to finally arrive at interesting job 5 years from now?
Is it a cubicle? A 9-5? White walls and file folders? Business casual? Casual Friday? The word "office"?
Is it that I'll make the wrong decision? About the job? About my location? About my relationships?
Is it that I'll be a disappointment?
Is it failure?
Is it...success?

Here's the secret, dearest diary. Here's the scandalous tidbit that would get me laughed at and mocked.

I just want to be happy.

And nothing else really matters.

6 comments:

gautami tripathy said...

When we question ourselves likethat, it always turns out ok.

You will be fine.

Rob Kistner said...

"Being happy"...the holy grail of our time on this planet. The conundrum is -- what does that look like, is it a single thing, or does it morph and evolve with time? If it is an ever-changing thing, then we can never "be" happy -- we can only seek happiness. So perhaps, being happy is no more capable of being in our grasp that is understanding -- "why we are here" ...the great universal question. Maybe the answer to why we are here in this temporal plane is 'to be seekers', and in this state of seeking, do we find our self-actualization ...and happiness is no less subjective than truth. Just a thought... ;)

Robin said...

I've reinvented myself time and again over the years, and in doing so I've come to the conclusion that happiness is what you make it, not what you do. Look for your joy all around you.

Fledgling Poet said...

Life is a constant journey, and we continually evolve...I can so relate to your feelings. I hope you get some answers and that, ultimately, you will indeed be happy!

Herb Urban said...

Keep seeking out that which brings you happiness. The quest to be happy is as important as the destination. We only get in trouble if we somehow convince ourselves happiness is elusive, or we are unworthy of attaining it.

Keep searching and you will find that which makes you happy.

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